Around this time every year I celebrate something that I think has been one of the most challenging things for me to overcome. It is something that I haven't shared with a lot of people, but from time to time those who knew of my struggle have come to me for advice to give to someone they know who is struggling with an eating disorder. This is such a sensitive subject, one that I do not take lightly at all. In my case, as well as many others, it is a matter of life and death.
I have always had a perfectionist personality and at this time, that was the driving force in my illness. I made up my mind that I was going to be "perfect". I was going to look, act, eat, think, speak, perform, do everything perfectly. And when I set my mind to do something I do it all out, and this was no exception. I had amazing discipline and never let up on this new perfect life I was going to live.
Well, 5 months later I was hospitalized for anorexia. My body was going into heart failure. My heart was beating a mere 36 beats a min, I was barely holding on to life. Looking back, it's all quite a haze for me, I don't know who that girl was. All I know is that I was lost and the eating disorder had taken over.
I was lucky enough to only have to stay for 2 weeks in the hospital. During those 2 weeks I was scared into recovery. I realized that my life was in real danger and if I didn't start eating, then my heart and body would give up. Many prayers were offered, which I know helped my destructive mindset flip. I could finally see that what I was doing was soooo not worth it. After I was released, I spent over a year going to a doctor, nutritionist, and counselor to help me continue on the path to recovery. I consider those people my angels.
Recovery has definitely not been easy, but it is something that I promised myself I would dedicate myself to. Relapsing was not an option. Do I still hear that "eating disorder voice?" Yes. I don't know if I'll ever be completely rid of that. But, I've realized that however many reasons I had as to why I had an eating disorder, it all comes down to choice. Once I got myself healthy in my mind I realized I had a choice. I choose to live. I want to live a happy and healthy life. I don't want to be counting calories or working out every spare moment I have. I want balance and moderation.
The past few years, I have learned to embrace my body, and realize that I'm never going to be "stick" skinny again and that is okay with me. Because you know what?? Cheese is really good. That may sound funny, but when you have an eating disorder, you have "fear foods" I think my biggest one was cheese. I am happy to report that I no longer have fear foods. I eat things in moderation and it's so freeing to know I can eat whatever I want in moderation and it doesn't mean I've failed.
I've thought about why I wanted to share this story. I know that when we go through hardships and overcome them we can be an inspiration to others. I want anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder to know that you can overcome it and your life will surely be better if you do. I believe you can overcome any challenge in your life. With the right help and resources you can heal and live your best life.
